Howdy bloggers and readers – how’s your Wednesday going?
I’m on my lunch break and am hoping the day flies by. After today I have a 4 day weekend.
I’ve had something WEIGHING heavy on my mind lately…
And it’s my weight.
Don’t get too up in arms about that statement.
In detail, my weight is actually not as high as its ever been. But, it’s not a healthy weight when it comes down to BMI and more importantly, how I feel. Physically, the added pounds are causing more pain in my joints and lower back. Clothes don’t fit well, and it’s uncomfortable. Also, just walking up and down my stairs – I’m out of breath. Ailments such as heartburn and gastrointestinal issues are returning. Recent photos of myself make me cringe. I no longer see a strong and healthy athlete…I just see someone who is struggling and unhappy…and in physical pain.
And even more so – it’s why my weight is steadily increasing, or failing to decrease.
I don’t talk about my Binge Eating (BE) too often. And when I do, I never fully confess to my dietary sins.
But today, I felt like spilling the proverbial beans…because I thought maybe someone could relate. And I also thought if I didn’t work so hard at keeping it a secret, maybe it wouldn’t haunt me so much.
I’m letting the skeletons out of the closet, because 2016 needs to be different.
Last week was a rough week for me. I had a lot going on, and emotions got the best of me. By Tuesday I caved and buried every painful thought I had into food.
What did that look like?
It started with TWO medium pizzas, simultaneously followed by 12 pcs of chicken covered in cheese and bacon. (All of which was dipped in copious amounts of ranch dressing.)
2 large bags of gummy worms.
A large bag of lays original potato chips.
A bag of microwave movie butter popcorn.
A half bottle of wine.
6 Reese’s peanut butter trees.
Half a jar of peanut butter.
And a partridge in a pear tree.
This is not the most I’ve ever eaten during a binge…but it was enough to call it a binge.
Obviously, and of course after I finished all of this, which didn’t even take an hour of my day…
I got sick, and it ended up forcing it’s way back up on its own. It burned immensely and I felt absolutely, positively, mortifyingly, disgusted.
And then angry that my food wasted itself.
Then the guilt set in.
I managed to consume more calories in one hour then most people can consume in 2 days. And what I listed didn’t include the food I had for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. This was in addition to that. (Read that as: I wasn’t hungry when I did this. At all.)
How could I do this? Who in their right mind would even want to eat all that food? What was I thinking…was I even thinking???
Then I went through the whole, “okay, this is the last time you’re going to do this to yourself! After today, you’re going to get right with food! It’s not a hobby, it’s just for nutrition! I will log everything on WW, and I will be good.”
Then that turned into…”you can’t even do weight watchers correctly, you’re just gonna mess up again because you always do this. You suck when it comes to food.”
And the thought process went round and round. The good fighting the evil, the evil trying to trump the good.
It was exhausting. Completely and utterly exhausting.
Since last week, I’ve had two more binges. Not as bad, but similar.
And quite frankly, I’m just getting tired of food. I’m tired of thinking about it, worrying about it, wanting it, not wanting it.
What sucks about this type of addiction is that it’s not something you can just cut out of your life.
Alcoholics or drug addicts have it a teensy bit easier in the fact that, they can abstain from what they are addicted too. It would certainly be a relief to not have to face my “demons” 3-5 times a day. And not only that…have to consume my drug of choice. If I don’t, well I will eventually die of starvation.
Ain’t that a bitch??
My binges are becoming more frequent. I lay awake at night trying to figure out what im trying to “fix with food.”
The only thing that I can think of, is that with all of the recent changes in life, work, and in social relationships – I feel like I have no control. So, I try to “control” my food. In reality…I’m completely losing control when it comes to food, but when you’re eating you’re not thinking about that.
My logical side is in a complete panic right now, trying desperately to (in fact) gain control of everything that’s going awry.
I’ve gone though intensive counseling for this issue, and I am aware of what I need to do…but it’s actually applying my knowledge and doing it that I’m struggling with.
I’m actually thinking of cancelling my Weight Watchers membership. That might sound crazy, but with the recent plan changes, it’s actually causing me more stress. Although I agree with their overall goal of choosing healthier, less processed, more natural foods – it makes the plan feel way more restrictive. Telling someone like me that I can’t really have certain things makes me want them even more. That’s why I liked WW in the past, it seemed like nothing was off limits. It is not that way now, or at least it no longer feels that way.
I’ve learned of something called intuitive eating, and I’m interested in reading more about it. It seems like it would be helpful to someone like me.
Lastly, my foot brace came today, and I have an appointment to pick it up tomorrow. I’m hoping it helps and ultimately brings some normalcy back to my life. It may help open the motivational door that seems to have shut in my face. If I can even just walk normally with it on – that would be a blessing.
So, there we have it. My confession. I’m not even sure I should post this. But I almost don’t care…
I’m taking a few days off from blogging and social media. I need to reevaluate what’s most important, and how I’m going to reach the goals I have. I also need some time to find the positives in my life so that I can embrace them, especially right now. After all, our bodies are pretty amazing… See you all in January!
Good luck and blessing to all of you in 2016!!!